When distress is not a fault in the third and fourth age
As the years go by, many people undergo a silent experience: that of feeling less entitled to feel unwell.
As if, upon reaching a certain age, distress should be contained, downplayed, or silenced. As if there were always someone worse off. As if complaining were no longer permitted. And so, distress often remains unspoken. One of the most frequent phrases is: “It’s normal at your age.” Often said with good intentions, this phrase can, however, have a specific effect: closing off the space for feeling. Pain, sadness, fatigue, fear, and anger are minimized. Not because they do not exist, but because they seem expected. And what becomes expected often ceases to be heard.
The shame of feeling unwell
Distress in the third and fourth age can take different forms: a sense of emptiness, emotional exhaustion, widespread sadness, or a loss of motivation. It is not always “depression.” It is not always an illness. Often, it is a response to real changes: in the body, roles, relationships, and perspectives. But when this distress does not find a space for recognition, it risks accumulating. Many people feel shame for their distress. They tell themselves they “should not” feel this way. That they have had a life, a family, opportunities. This shame can lead to hiding what one feels, even from oneself. To smiling, minimizing, and carrying on. But repressing distress does not make it disappear. Often, it only makes it heavier.
Feeling unwell does not mean being weak
Feeling unwell is not a sign of weakness. It is a signal. A signal that something is changing, that something requires attention, integration, and listening. In the third and fourth age, distress is not the failure of a life. It is often the price of a long history of adaptations. Recognizing it does not mean giving up. It means taking oneself seriously. Sometimes distress is interpreted as a change in character: more withdrawal, more irritability, or more silence. In reality, behind these changes, there may be an unnamed distress. A pain that has not found space. When distress is not recognized, it can turn into withdrawal, isolation, or conflict.
Giving dignity to distress
At Spazio FormaMentis, working with people in the third and fourth age is not about “eliminating distress.” It is about the way it is welcomed and understood. In this space, it becomes possible to:
- giving voice to what hurts without shame
- distinguishing between physiological suffering and avoidable suffering
- integrating distress into one’s own story
- reducing the burden of self-criticism
- rediscovering continuity and meaning
It is not about always being well. It is about not feeling wrong when you are in distress.
