What really matters to you?
What kind of person would you like to be?
What kind of relationships would you like to build?
What would you like your life to be made of?
Each of us has values that guide our lives and allow us to bring fullness and vitality to our existence. Being an authoritative leader, a loyal person, a caring parent, a reliable friend, and so on, are examples of personal values based on which we can define concrete and achievable goals (for example, to be an authoritative leader, listen to the needs of collaborators and schedule feedback moments, provide operational guidance in times of difficulty, …).
Values are the compass that guides us and helps us maintain the chosen direction; they are flexible, modifiable over time, and based on our deep desires.
Imagine going on a mountain hike… Before setting off, we have defined our destination, chosen the path, and identified a cabin where we can stop to eat and a couple of scenic spots we want to reach to enjoy the landscape.
We start walking and, halfway through, the weather changes and we suddenly find ourselves in the middle of a storm. We need to quickly find a place to take shelter and we see a refuge just below our path.
We run through the trees and reach the refuge; we are now soaked from the rain, cold, and upset by the unexpected event. We begin to warm up and dry off, but it hasn’t stopped raining yet, and we start thinking that we chose the wrong day for a trip, that we are really unlucky, and that we would have been better off staying home. Discouragement begins to take over, we are a bit tired from the run and also annoyed because the weather forecast didn’t predict the storm and we didn’t even think to bring a windbreaker.
After a while, the rain passes and the sun peeks through the trees again, the air starts to warm up and we are now dry, but we hardly notice it: we are so disheartened that we have no desire to leave the refuge and resume our journey.
In moments of particular stress or discomfort, we may have great difficulty accepting the experience we are living and may lose contact with the present moment. Most of our life projects require energy, and sometimes it happens that we find ourselves so overwhelmed by difficulties that we give up on achieving a goal we have set, resulting in disappointment and a sense of failure.
When we are immersed in trying to fight or avoid unpleasant situations, painful emotions, annoying thoughts, we often put our lives on hold, convinced that our suffering must decrease before we can truly start living again. We “forget” that we have the freedom and power to pursue what is important to us anyway, we find ourselves stuck, unable to enact behaviors consistent with our choices and effective in relation to our goals.
In these cases, reconnecting with your values allows you to clarify whether the goals you are aiming for are truly important and, if so, helps you find new motivation to achieve these goals. Clarifying values is an essential step to staying oriented, promoting concrete actions, and overcoming often inevitable difficulties.
Committed action is precisely this: “doing what it takes” to live in harmony with our values. It is not a guarantee of success nor an attempt to be perfect, rather it is getting back on track when we realize we have deviated from the chosen direction. Committed action is closely associated with acceptance and psychological flexibility.
When we take responsibility for our thoughts and emotions, observing and accepting them, we then open ourselves to the possibility of acting effectively, promptly adapting to the challenges we encounter and overcoming internal and external obstacles that arise.
By reminding ourselves that the actions we choose to undertake are under our control, we can enact behavior oriented towards our values even when our emotions or thoughts at the moment are going in the opposite direction.
